Relapse

I'd like to be prettier
I'd like to be smarter
To make better decisions
To learn to try harder
I'd like to be loved
And give loads of love back
I'd like to be perfect
With absolutely no lack

But reality shows me
Time and time again
That I must try harder
That I must overcome pain
To see another sunset
To love another man
I must calm myself down
I must have a plan

No more bad habits
No more crying at night
I must recall how to smile
I must learn how to fight
Fight myself, mainly
Because I'm the true enemy
Fight the pills, the vomit, the smoke
And clear the poison flowing in me

If only I were stronger
And a bit more ambitious, perhaps
I suppose I could really be better
With no painful relapse

...

But I'm not.